Define Frustration

Have you ever felt like you wanted something to change but not in a way that would impact others, because believe it or not, everything we do in this life ripples into the lives of other people.

I have to change the way I live for the next couple of months. I don’t want to make this change, but I can’t unmake it either. Before this situation I thought I understood what it meant to be ‘frustrated’. I was terribly wrong. I am stuck in anxious anticipation and I feel so out of control.

If you’re reading this and you feel what I feel, perhaps we can only take solace in that.

 

 

Bad Friends are Good Friends in Disguise

In order to tell you how I’ve come to be a bad friend, I must first give all the necessary background information.

I met one of my former best friends at a small, liberal arts college through another mutual friend freshman year. We maintained the friendship throughout all four years. That’s four years of memories, confessions, hurt and relationships. However, those were mostly four years of her memories, confessions, hurt and relationships. At the beginning of our friendship, I did not easily observe how selfish and demanding this good friend was. I ignored her toxic qualities because like most things in college, I was starved for friends.

I want to own up to the fact that I should have ended the friendship a while ago but I pacified her behavior with the 80/20 rule. You know: the rule that says we find people with 80% of the qualities we like and then there’s 20% of their personality we don’t like, but we ignore the 20% because no one is perfect. Right. Right.  Also, I knew our friendship meant more to her and less to me.

Fast forward several years after graduation and we live in two different parts of the country, with two different lives. She is a married woman in the suburbs and I am a single woman in the city.

I’ve since had experiences and hardships that have changed my outlook on a lot of things since college, including friendships. It’s almost as if the distance woke me up from a fog. This friend of mind didn’t really care about my life and only wanted to do things she liked. And the things I enjoyed she did not enjoy, so on and so forth. My only regret in this friendship is that I agreed to be in her wedding. Now, the mark of our ending friendship will be stained on her wedding photos.

Being her friend was an obligation and I truly felt despise anything that makes me feel like I have to do it outside of general health & well being.  I told her I didn’t want to talk and left it at that. She’s reached out a few times but I’m not at a place to talk or rekindle what ‘was’. If you’re out there reading this, please find a better best friend and remember our time as it was: all about you.

Roommates or No?

I’m a fiercely independent gal. I like to do things my way and no one else ( even the parental units) can tell me otherwise.

I’m a single female living in the city and  I take pride in my beautiful home with all of it’s stylish appeal. It’s something I can call my own, by myself. I’ve paid my dues to society and went through the passage of roommate living all throughout college.

And for the most part, my college roommate experience was good. In fact, my college roommate and I are still friends to this day. However, now that I’ve come to know the single living life I am in n o rush to acquire another roommate.

I’m on this soapbox because a friend of mine mentioned living together next year and at the time I laughed and though “eh, maybe”, but as I went home, sat down in my underwear, left my bowl of cereal in the sink, and threw my mail on the kitchen counter it dawned on me that being a roommate was a bad idea.

*steps onto soapbox*

 

I’d rather live in my parent’s basement, than have a roommate. I got really lucky with my college roommate and I believe my luck might run out trying to go two-for-two.

A lot of my college roommate success comes from not being friends with my roommate before we were roommates. We had no idea who the other was, and had only decided to become roommates through a freshman forum. Flash forward to today, and the person now asking to be a roommate is actually my friend. Unfortunately, I don’t believe we’d stay friends should we become roommates.

I’m just too selfish at this point in my life and I don’t want to compromise the way I act at home. Now if this friend were homeless, and had nowhere else to go–yes, she could crash until she got it together. That’s not the situation here though. This young lady has all of this year to decide her future living quarters and I can’t imagine her “just so happen to be homeless”  next year unless (heaven’s forbid) something tragic were to occur.

*steps down from soapbox*

Now I just have to gently but firmly turn down her request and go about eating ice cream in my undies.

 

 

First Comes Self Love, Then Comes Marriage

If I had a nickle for every time a relative questioned me about my love life. I’d have $303.24. Seriously, every encounter, and family function I get these questions:

“Do you have boyfriend?”

“Why don’t you have a boyfriend?” … “So you’re gay?”

Or my favorite:

“You just need to put yourself out there. ”

Some of my family members can’t accept the fact that I’m not born into this world to mate. I have a purpose that goes beyond finding a relationship. If I can’t be happy with myself, being with someone will not help me in anyway (I’m looking at you Aunty).

Fortune Thy Name is Netflix

I’ve had the despair novelty of adulting these past few months. Such adulting activities include: moving into a new home (by my lonesome), paying all of my own bills (minus healthcare ’cause ridiculous), and fixing several car issues with my paycheck (which I receive monthly).

All these things has made me rather reflective of the past year. In fact, it’s almost been a year since my college graduation. Like most people, I find it difficult not to look on Facebook and compare my achievements since May 2016 with others of my class. And truly, honestly, I’m not all that concerned with who’s having a baby, getting  married, or just bought a car. But I can’t stop myself from questioning my own goals.

More importantly, what do I want going forward? Are my current decisions and mindset setting me up to accomplish my future , long term goals?

Answer: I don’t know.

I’ve realized it’s okay that I don’t know. I’m young, single, and smart, all of which are ingredients for indecision and exploration. Because my generation puts so much emphasis on instantaneous success we don’t allow room for  f%$@ ups along the way. And that’s dangerous. I’m not saying everything I’ve achieved has failed, but if I change my mind about enrolling in grad school, or decided to become a trapeze artist–so what?

What is happiness, success, or fortune if you can’t be flexible, adaptable, and happy with change? My grandma used to say “Man plans and God Laughs”. Life is too fluid to be as rigid as a billboard. Currently, having a productive day at work and watching Netflix is good enough for me. I can’t be problematic about things that haven’t happened. And I’m sure, if I’m passionate enough, I’ll get to where I’m going.